Let the dawning day bring me a revelation of your tender, unfailing Love. Give me light for my path and teach me, for I trust in youPsalm 143:8
As I sit here this morning with my cup of tea, I ponder the limbo that I currently live in. For weeks now, this feeling of restlessness has been upon my soul and I have tried to escape it by forced control of the routines that I put in place.
As you know from my previous posts, sitting in the quiet is a struggle for me. I am used to squeezing every last drop out of the day and putting structures in place to get things done.
I realised that since coming back from Thailand six months ago, I have spent very little time by myself. I have been around family and friends ( albeit through video calls! ) and despite the four-month tight lockdown we were in, there has always been a flurry of activity around me.
Last week, my parents took off for a 1 week holiday to Cornwall and I was left in the peace with seven days of quiet ahead of me. Despite living alone in Thailand, I have not been used to this in a while, and to say it was daunting was an understatement.
In the quiet, with no distraction, I realised there was a lot for my soul to process. The homesickness for the people I left behind washed over me to such a degree, tears that I had been holding back, finally felt free to come. I had acknowledged the depth of my situation and a yearning I could not quite put into words.
Here’s the things about living in limbo. So many times it’s easy to avoid the emotions that we are truly holding in the heart. We scurry around in a whirlwind of activity, striving for some sense of normality. A journey that seems never-ending because we are unsure of what the final destination looks like.
We are all in a time of uncertainty. Just when we think COVID-19 is under control, more restrictions are put in place. Job uncertainty is rearing its ugly head and we still cannot hug the people closest to us.
In these times it can be so easy to look back on the old and wish it upon our current situation. We crave comfort even if it’s not healthy for us. I found myself looking back on my season in Thailand and wishing for it to all be the same, and yet that season came with a lot of heavy burdens. I pushed myself too hard in every area and did not allow myself to seek true rest. I lost my joy and that is never the person I want to be.
I find myself asking. “ What do I want to glean from this season?”
I look back to my past and the unhealthy methods I used to fill the void when I was afraid of the uncertainty. I could choose to fall back into these patterns and miss out on the beauty of the pain I feel because ultimately there is growth to be had. I can see God working in my situation and yet why do I not trust? Why do I grasp on for that last little bit of control, exhausting myself in a never-ending cycle of striving?
A sense of security
Today, in a call with a trusted person, an image was shared with me which resonated with my season. She spoke of a tent who’s tent pegs had been released from the ground. The tent pegs represented each area of my life that I was grasping on to and and placing my security , now, they are being ripped from the ground. Where will I find my security now?
When I think about the feeling of being grounded, I try to process what that feels like for me. Is it when I am working and earning? Is it when I am in the blessed space of offering help to others? Or is it when I have achieved that mythical word “ balance”? Is this when i feel most rooted? This brings me back to the question. Where am I placing my security? Do I believe God is with me when I am not achieving ? Do I believe that simply being is enough? This is a challenge for sure and one that I definitely feel called to explore a little deeper.
Do you ever get so caught up in reaching for goals that you forget to look how far you’ve come? I know I have. This is the place I find myself in now. I forget that I have now begun a Masters course. I forget that I have moved back from Thailand and have attempted to reconcile with being back in the UK, and I forget all the work that has been done in me and through me over the past 4 years. And yet I am so deperate to move on and seek the next thing.
Permission to Pause
Now it’s time to wake up each morning and look around at what God is doing. To not only hold space for others but to hold space for myself. To honour where my heart is at and acknowledge what exactly I need in the moment.
I will admit to you, that even to acknowledge to myself the simple fact of being tired, is a weakness. To take a nap is scary. To admit that not everyone needs me is alien to me.
As I live in this season of Limbo, I am learning to have grace for myself. To appreciate the small blessings around me and to honour the heart that has been entrusted to me.
To everyone who reads this blog. This year is hard and there is so much ahead that is unknown. I pray that you know how deeply loved you are and that even in those times where building community is difficult. I pray that just one person holds space for you to share the most vulnerable parts of your soul.
Bless you and stay safe